As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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