I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
