Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
