You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
