remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Naked. naked and bneed help.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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