You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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