Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
