Sober January is a disaster.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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