Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
