we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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