My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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