Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
