I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
