I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
