my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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