So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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