Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
two words: eviction party
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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