I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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