Cold hands, warm shart.
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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