Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
