All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
