i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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