so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
