Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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