On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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