I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
