I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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