remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
