im about as happy as oj after his trial
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
