That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why do cheetos always look like penises
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Randomize
