my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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