but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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