Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
