90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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