hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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