Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
