cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My day in three words: secret purse cake
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
