I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
