I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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