On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
