So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
