I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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