Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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