Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
