Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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