My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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