Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
