If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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