how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
