The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
