Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
