I CAN MOONWALK!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
