Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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