I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
