You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
