i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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