I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
