I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
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better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
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So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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