can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
