We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
