i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think a kid would responsible me up
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
